It is as if tears pour out of your letter. You strived to reach a high position. You thought that you would also find happiness. Many others around you did the same. So you had to fight for it, push, and endure anxieties. You figured that happiness, not just happiness, but life itself, would begin with obtaining this position. Until then, you considered yourself unfortunate, almost non-existent. Finally, you attained the desired goal. For a few days you felt like you were born again. Then the disappointment came. Of course, you were as far from happiness as you were before. Except earlier, you believed that happiness did exist—somewhere in the high positions—but now you have lost that faith. You have reached the clouds but not the stars. Now you regret your running after happiness on the wrong path and encouraging others to do the same. So you wish to go back to your former modest position where the burden of responsibility is lesser and the stings of envy weaker. Perhaps you will find this story useful:
In a big park, a celebration was prepared, but nobody could enter it without tickets. Many wanted to come in, but they could not pay for the tickets. Then, a rich man, wanting to test human weaknesses, threw a handful of gold coins into the crowd of children. They were fake coins, tokens, and among them was only one real silver coin. The children rushed for the coins, fought, argued, until they gathered them all. Nobody bothered picking up the silver coin because they figured that gold was more valuable than silver. Those who gathered the coins were holding them in their hands and they felt happy for a moment. But soon, something unexpected and miserable for them happened. When they approached the park gates and asked for tickets, it turned out they had fake money, and city guards took them to jail. Only one of them was wise and seeing what was happening to his friends, he threw down the coin he had and went and picked up the silver one. With that coin, he paid for the ticket and went into the park for the party.
The party is the Kingdom of Heaven, or the kingdom of immortal happiness. The coins are fleshly desires and worldly vanities and self-delusions which draw people away from the kingdom of true happiness and into the kingdom of torment and darkness. Pure silver is the inner goodness and the truth of a righteous man. Children who were easily fooled by the glitter of the world are the sinners. The last child who discarded the fake gold and took the real silver is the repentant sinner.
Taken from St. Nikolai (Velimirovich), Missionary Letters of Saint Nikolai Velimirovich, Part I: Letters 1-100, ed. Fr. Milorad Loncar, trans. Hierodeacon Seraphim (Baltic), vol. 6, A Treasury of Serbian Orthodox Spirituality (Grayslake, Illinois: Joe Buley Memorial Library, New Gracanica Monastery, 2008), pp. 145-7. This excerpt is posted with permission of the editor and the New Gracanica Diocese. Missionary Letters of Saint Nikolai Velimirovich, Part I is available for purchase from the online New Gracanica Bookstore. (Please note that the New Gracanica Bookstore is not affiliated with The Monastic Library or the Hermitage of the Holy Cross.)
Let us come to ourselves like the prodigal; let us, like him, speak firm words of resolve to our own souls: “I will arise and go to my Father”; and the Gracious God will perfect our small intention.
He knows that we do not know the way to Him, or the manner in which to traverse it; but, hearing us say: “Ready is my heart, O God, ready is my heart”, and seeing us begin our journey towards Him, He will then rush out to us, falling on us, and kissing our neck: He will send His All-Accomplishing Holy Spirit upon us, and guide us into all truth, not only in our understanding, but in all our deeds, all our life.
Yesterday, Christ was born; today, He is baptized. Yesterday, God immersed Himself in our flesh; today, our flesh is immersed in the Most Holy Trinity. Yesterday, the Timeless Son of the Virgin-Father was begotten in time of the Virgin-Mother; today He gives birth to us as sons of God forever.